8. Staten Isle vs. Satan Bile
In one corner we have a cocky Staten Island white guy… in the other corner stands a Latino bisexual Wiccan.
LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!
Am I the only one who genuinely didn’t understand this tense dynamic? Either we missed out on some key footage that would explain their beef or this Danny vs. Romeo feud is as stupid as Jamie Rae.
Yeah, Danny is acting a little too confident, especially after getting rejected by Tyra just a year ago, but at least he’s not one of the guys who keeps dropping the term “alpha male.” If Danny were to start embarrassingly “rapping” (if you can even call it that) again like last cycle, then by all means, Romeo should put him in his place. Instead, the worst we saw was that Danny didn’t want to have his tarot cards read, and surely Danny isn’t the first person to not respond kindly to Romeo’s beliefs in the occult. If Romeo really does have a slice of the proverbial “humble pie,” he might want to offer it up to Tyra before Danny. (That is not a fat joke, it is a joke about Tyra’s ego. And a little bit of a fat joke.)
Romeo may think that Danny is “arrogant and bigheaded and douchey,” but at least he’s found a friend in Kelly Cutrone. After telling us last year that she’s a goth (ha!), now Kelly’s trying to pass off her black garb as being Wiccan. She clarifies that she’s too lazy to actually practice any Wiccan rituals, but she “could be” if she wanted to. You don’t have to tell us twice, Kelly. No one here is going to deny that you’re a witch.
Meanwhile, Romeo says he hopes to become “America’s Next Top Witch.” He’s well on his way with all of the badmouthing he’s doing about Danny. But then, if he is a witch, why is he wasting so much time bitching and rolling his eyes behind Danny’s back when he could just CAST A FUCKING SPELL? Somebody get Romeo a cauldron and we’ll put an end to this pettiness once and for all.
So who will win this lame feud?… Eh, who cares. Tyra already said Danny was lacking energy and “holding back” which is pretty much the kiss of death from a woman who cherishes personality above all else. Romeo might as well save his toad eyes and possum tails for the next person he gets in a pointless fight with.
(PS I learned how to make GIFs. You’re welcome.)
8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1
Fuck, I am not looking forward to having to deal with this guy.
Adam introduces himself as “your typical lovable fraternity guy” and I’m left scratching my head. I can easily picture hundreds of typical fraternity guys, yet not one of them would I consider lovable. The very idea that he thinks being a drunk asshole makes him in any way admirable shows he has a warped perception. As I watched him brag about partying, all I could think was he’s in for a wakeup call when he graduates college, leaves the fraternity, and discovers that the real world isn’t nearly as tolerant of this obnoxious behavior.
AND THEN I NOTICED THAT HE’S 26! That means that Adam is more than a few years out of undergrad and just clinging to this fraternity identity. I can decide whether it’s more pathetic or scary. He tells the judges, “I’m somewhat of a legend in my fraternity. They actually still have a pledge event where they ask trivia questions about me.”
Hmm, is that actually an honor? If I were to guess what some of the questions look like:
- How many times was Adam admitted to the hospital with alcohol poisoning?
- How many times did campus security write up Adam for stealing their golf carts?
- How many sorority sisters regretted waking up next to Adam?
Every reason to hate Adam is apparent in his ideal schedule:
Tyra might like Adam’s “energy,” but at least it’s clear that the editors despise him. Notice how they listed Adam’s first sex session at just two minutes long.
I wouldn’t mind Adam so much if he were just a stupid frat guy who knows at some level that he’s a loser but is too much of a lush to make any life changes. Adam, however, genuinely thinks his frat-brother-for-life attitude makes him a champ. He also keeps boasting that he’s smarter than everyone else, too. [Like Miss J’s masculine side, though, "footage not found."]
"Everyone parties," says Adam. "I’m just better at it."
Case in point: if these people were partying as well as Adam, would they have to have their faces blurred? Didn’t think so!
"I’m in the top 1% of partiers in the country," he also asserts to Tyra. I love how casually and confidently he breaks out that statistic as if that figure is in anyway scientific. Site your source, Adam. How does someone measure who is a better partier? Which academic publication is ranking American partiers and placing you in the 1%?
That said, I would agree that Adam is in the top 1% of making me throw up in my mouth a little bit, especially when he says things like, “I’m gonna be on alpha male mountain looking down at all the people who are less attractive than I am. Hello, ladies! I’m gonna come in hot. I’m coming in like a banshee outta hell. Probably french seven or eight of them just off the bat, let ‘em know I’m here to play.” Oh, and then he growls like a lion.
Thank goodness we have someone like Miss J who is happy to mock Adam’s weird grunting and growling. He did lose me a little bit, though, when he mentions he “wants some of what [Adam] got.” No. If Adam does happen to share any pills with you, double-check to make sure it isn’t a roofie.
At least Kelly Cutrone has an accurate read on Adam. After he leaves the room, she says, “I hope my daughter never comes home with a guy like him.” Look, I don’t even think I like you, Cutrone, but even I think you and your family deserve better. We ALL deserve better.
8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1
4. Okay, But Don’t “Mingle” with the Judges
Oh dear. “I’m single and ready to mingle” is an awful, tired phrase… but altering it to “I’m very single and very ready to mingle” isn’t just cliche, it reeks of desperation. I’m not sure I’m ready for Marvin 2.0!
Ben’s certainly every bit as embarrassing as Marvin, anyway. He introduces himself to the judges as a quadruple threat (model, actor, singer, dancer) and it’s like, please, loser, even Tyra Banks doesn’t pretend she can sing anymore. Tyra asks him to sing and he chants (what I hope is) an improvised song that consists of nothing but the lyrics “big booty.” I guess he couldn’t sing anything they’d have to pay royalties for. Because she’s a ham and easily amused, Tyra loves the tune.
How is Ben using his quadruple talents? Oh, you know, he’s a cater waiter. Not just any cater waiter, an important cater waiter because he once served Tyra Banks at an Oscar party. (Ben must not be all that attractive if Tyra didn’t immediately pull him from the crowd like she did with the ice cream man.) He’s not ashamed to say that he checked Tyra out at said party either.
And that’s when Kelly Cutrone puts him in his place in the most delicious way. I have to admit - having hated Cutrone for the past three cycles, I found myself agreeing with everything Kelly said in the premiere. I think I’m prepared to give her another shot, actually. Let’s see how long the good-will lasts before I’m disgusted with her all over again.
While we’re on the love kick for Cutrone, let’s quote her marvelous words to Ben: “This is not appropriate. Here’s a little tip: you’re like a pipsqueak, okay? Tyra Banks does not want to sleep with you. And trying to take her down by speaking to her like that is not only delusional but it’s highly unprofessional.”
Rather than outright apologizing for his buffoonery, Ben says, “I am a man; I check women out.”
And Cutrone’s like:
"Questionable. You get your eyebrows threaded in Iowa." (!!!!) BOOM! That’s far more explosive and lethal than his corn-fed bicep.
Finally, Ben says he’s sorry, but this won’t be the last time he puts his foot in his mouth. He can’t even try to compliment Kari’s beauty without mangling the syntax so much that it sounds like he’s actually proud of how pretty his own eyes are:
He might find his eyes pleasing, but those eyebrows should be mortifying.
Let’s all practice Kelly’s death glare because I think we’ll be using it on Ben for as long as he sticks around this season:
8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1
“This kid was at the party, and was acting kind of ridiculous. I went over, took his hat and started dancing around,” he said. Smith then said he asked the student: “Why are you wearing this gay ass hat?” According to Smith, the student replied that it was for the “same reason you’re wearing your pink shirt.” Smith said that he then asked if the student was implying that he (Smith) was “f***ing gay or something.” Receiving an affirmative reaction, Smith then admitted to putting him in a head lock and ejecting him from the party.
I knew there was a reason why I couldn’t stand that stupid frat boy.
The truth is that we need relationships, but we don’t need every relationship. Surround yourself with positive people who bring you up, rather than drag you down. You don’t have to sacrifice your sanity because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. You don’t have to be controlled by your own kindness. You can be a good person without bending to the will of those who damage you with their own selfishness.
You deserve to be happy.
Apparently, they can’t.